Twitter Rejected Me so I Kicked a Harmless Robot's Feelings.


Apparently twitter finds me so weird that it can't find one single person out of TWO HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE that might enjoy my digital company. That's "digital" as in "via the internet." Not fingers. Perverts.

I attempted to draw a sad face on my profile pic but it just came out looking like I gave a strawberry popsicle a messy blow job. And who could be sad after that? ASSHOLES, THAT'S WHO. And me. Apparently.

Anyway, I was reading @SarcasticRover's tweets:

Also there was an Arrested Development scrotum pic reference. And then I emailed my husband and asked him if it was okay if I made out with the Mars Rover. 

and I was like "hey I should use twitter more often. Cause if a robot with no consciousness who's busy lasering rocks on Mars can find time to do it, then SO CAN I." But then Twitter was all "hey we don't think anyone will actually like you. So you should just go grab that box of cookies and sit in front of your window and stare out at the bleakness of life while your dogs reject you and your computer plots to give you ERROR 101s all day."

But then I remembered that the Mars Rover is even lonelier and more miserable than I am, and that cheered me up. So thanks for that, @SarcasticRover.

Yeah, if you're feeling like subjecting yourself to my tweets, you can follow me @JamieScissors. Let's prove twitter's algorithm for social compatibility wrong. After all, it's just AI, and nothing which relies on AI will ever be adequate in the biological world. YEAH THAT'S RIGHT I SAID IT, MARS ROVER. Go cry in a crater.

And now I'm on Skynet's hit list. Awesome.

(Skynet probably wouldn't bother sending the T-1000 after me, actually. It'd probably just send the Mars Rover, which can't even manipulate its equipment and hold rocks at the same time. On account of the one arm. HA MASTURBATION INADEQUACY JOKE. I'm feeling much better now. Unlike the population of Mars)

Just kidding Mars Rover. I love Science. And you. I'll have a big hug waiting for you when you get back.

[For those of you who spent 80% of this post distracted by thoughts of strawberry popsicles, here's @SarcasticRover and my significantly less funny but also usually less depressing @JamieScissors. And for those of you who want to make out with Science but somehow missed the big event, you can check out the Seven Minutes of Terror, i.e. the Mars Rover landing, here. It's long but worth it to see a bunch of NASA scientists freak out and hug over trajectories and accelerations. HAHA LOL like I've never done that. God I'm a nerd)

Speaking of nerds, this post is sponsored by Retro Academic. I know the author personally and she's definitely not lonely cause she has two arms, and she is a huge nerd. I think she fantasizes about the Mars Rover. 

1 comment:

  1. Hilarious. and major kudos to me, I was already following you on twitter! now I'm a proud follower of the Sarcastic Rover. In case I forget to do this later- Thank you :)


I'm not always great at replying to comments but I DO read every single one of them and I always reply in my head. So in my mind we've had this deep conversation about the meaning of life or whatever, and we're best friends, and we craft together on Sunday afternoons while drinking Mojitos and watching old Indiana Jones movies. So thank you for your comments. And now I want a mojito.

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